Ahh.. Autumn.

While I don't advocate loneliness, or even wish to provoke such a feeling, there's something about this weather, this tired, scorned breeze that blows in the air that gets me thinking.. Mostly about love lost and how snuggling up to a human that may or may not exist anymore. Lost loves. That one lost love. The one, that one, is in my most current memory. So distant- and yet so terribly close. While disgusting to think about that 'one', he was the closest I had to reasonable forever love... that I've ever dared to share my deepest, most loving commitment to. And.. For some reason this has inevitably been lost in the abyss of what is yet to come. Shit, there were the reasons why we didn't work out. Personality defects and whatnot. Youth and emotional estrangement. But hey, I was young. He was young. We were irresponsible, and rightfully responsible in our lust for something else. What can I say... It's the fucking dawn of autumn. We all see the changes happening before us. The death, and consequential rebirth of nature is unfolding, eventually.
As a realist with the passion and integrity of a textbook optimist, I must refrain from the negative. That's how we are. The memories of a young love and the unforeseen end of it all have always been an enigma to me. Forever is forever, right? The chances we take, the trips we make, the real and devoted passion we share for one another is real. For that magical moment. Until it ends? Or does end? My dreams and fantasies lie with that one person. I stalk him in my dreams. As it were, I wish he could leave. Love. Loss. Friendship. Curses...
Curses, I must leave the trappings of that snuggle partner. That beautiful lover. That bestest of best friends. It was over long ago. Peace must have found him somehow? There's nothing much more to describe me than overly curious. From afar, I wonder... How are you doing? Are you in love? Are you the same man I knew so long ago? Have you met your goals? Do you think about me? Ug.
Introspectively, I would hate for him to be the one that got away. I mean, seriously, does everyone have the one that fucking got away? My life is lovelessly stagnent at this state. I've got so many years to relentlessly struggle, and have my own beautiful success through. Or do I, really?
...but he is on my mind. Always scratching at the back of my mind. What if? And how? And, shit, what then? I could take my pulse, just to tell you how my heart beats... But oh how that would be moot. This atmospheric pressure leads me back to me loving you. And losing you.
And damn you, autumn. Damn you for digging these feelings right back up again.